Enough
by cheekybby
Summary: After the disasterous prank Sirius is shunned by his friends and at their example the rest of the school. He quickly falls into depression and finds that he has had enough and decides to do something about it.


_Title: EnoughAuthor: Pretty_Panther aka cheekybbyRating: K/ (s): Sirius, with later appearances of Madame Pomfrey, James, Peter and Remus_

_Warning: Attempted suicide. _

_Summery: After the disastrous prank Sirius is complelty shunned by his friends and is distraught to find that the rest of the school follow their example. He quickly sinks into depression unable to understand what is happening around him. Actions were always easier for him to understand and he finds himself taking action because he has simply had enough. _

_Enough_

_Words are never enough._

_They never were and they never will be in the mind of one sixteen year old Sirius Black. End of. Case closed, discussion over._

_He can tell them he is sorry until he is blue in the face, tears streaming down his aristocratic cheeks but it won't be enough. It won't make a damned bit of difference in the long run because they still won't trust him. They won't look at him the same or treat him the same or trust him as they had before. It is for this reason that Sirius doesn't not approach them._

_He refuses to go to the hospital wing in the morning and visit. What is left of his tarnished pureblood pride won't allow it._

_He made a mistake._

_One stupid error in judgement and now he was losing everything. His darkness was spreading. Maybe, god forbid, Snape was right. He was no better than the scum that had brought him into this darkened world. He had nearly cost Mooney his life along with Snape's. A step too far and Sirius had snapped, told Snape everything he needed to know to bring his entire world to a resounding halt. _

_The young heir couldn't find the words to describe the hurricane of emotions that were pulsing through him, threatening to overwhelm his already broken mind. For years he had fought the emotional __disease _that his immediate family succumbed to from interbreeding. The insanity that had already taken a grip of Bella. His friends had been his last grip on reality and James had made it impeccably clear that they now wanted nothing to do with him. Not now, not ever.

Yet the words had not been enough.

Words were just that to Sirius, an arrangement of letters used to try and convey meaning but in his home in London, actions spoke louder than words.

"_I am disappointed in you Sirius." _did not have the same affect on him as the resounding slap to the face that accompanied it.

It wasn't James saying, _"I thought you were different, but you are every bit as evil as the other Black's, stay the hell away from us."_, it was the shake of the head, the fire burning in his hazel eyes, the clenched fists and the look of sheer disgust as the heir to the Potter fortune turned on his heal and left Sirius a trembling emotional wreck in their dorm.

He needed help, support and guidance to try to understand where it went wrong, to allow himself to move on. His needs were of course no longer important.

***

As the days turned to weeks without so much as a glance in his direction the effects took their toll on the angst ridden teen. The rest of the school followed his ex best friend in their treatment of him. They grasped whispered rumours of betrayal, adultery and crime and used it to form a barrier between the young Black and the rest of the world.

When he moved to sit at the table for meals his classmates slid away from him as it he was on fire. Their words, whispers, rumours meant nothing to him, but the isolation they imposed in him made his heart ache with a sorrow that he was not emotionally stable enough to comprehend.

"_It's an act. He just wants us back, Don't let him fool you Mooney, aint I right Wormtail?"_

To Sirius the words were meaningless but the empty dorm when he went to bed at night and awoke in the morning told him he was alone, unloved and unwanted. The fact that he was now forced to sit at the front of the classes, in the seats furthest from his ex friends made the situation horribly realistic.

In classes his voice grew rougher with each lesson that passed, rusty from disuse as he remained silent outside the classrooms with no one to talk to. His eyes lost a little more of their shine as each day passed and his once immaculate hair now curled in defeat at the ends, it's master too tired to attempt to control it.

Slowly but surely the sixteen year old was losing the will to live.

Each day passed with a little more of a haze over it than the day before and dark thoughts began to run rampant in his head. Thoughts that became so much clearer when in Astronomy class.

How easy would it be to bend over his telescope an inch too far when at the edge?

Accident.

Words are never enough but in this case that word could make Sirius's dark thoughts a disturbing reality. An accidental trip over the tower and his misery would end.

The thoughts resurfaced at each evening meal as his gaunt expression reflected in the razor sharp stake knives on the table.

Would anyone notice if one simply disappeared?

He didn't think so. No one ever paid him any mind anymore. Why would they now?

Shaking fingers reached out for a knife on more than one occasion before his famed Gryffindor courage failed him and he returned his pale had to his lap, eyes guiltily watching his peers to look for any reactions.

***

The weeks of isolation slowly turned to a month as autumn turned to winter in the peaceful Scottish hills. He spent his free periods wrapped up in his cloak by the lake side unable to take the disgusted stares from his classmates wherever he went.

The words were not enough to bother him alone, but accompanied by spiteful glares, the knowledge that they were talking about him as if they really knew what he was going through was enough to push him outside into the baltic conditions.

Sitting by the lake alone and not surrounded by his mates was a surreal experience for the pureblood heir and one which he didn't relish. He stared into the murky water of the lake and contemplated his lifeless reflection. Fragile fragments of ice floated on the black surface and Sirius found himself watching as his reflection reached out a hand into the freezing water. It was only when the cold sting engulfed his hand that he realised what he was doing but that wasn't enough to make him pull back.

Instead he remained where he was, allowing the numb feeling to creep up his fingers. He wondered what would happen if he allowed himself to keep falling until he was submerged in the unforgiving depths of the lake. He had been there before after some rough housing gone wrong but this time he was alone and their would be no one there to rescue him from his fate.

A rabbit was startled in the distance and he jerked backwards, slowly releasing his breathe before wiping his hands on his trousers and rushing back to the castle.

He vowed to push such thoughts to the back of his mind, but that didn't mean that his existence became any more bearable.

***

The snow continued to fall in droves and Hagrid was forced from his cabin at first light every morning to shovel paths to the teaching area for Care of Magical Creatures and the greenhouses.

Students in the courtyards walked around with pink tinges in their cheeks, their breathes visible every time they exhaled and older students had jars from every flavour beans grasped in their hands containing warm blue flames. For Sirius, it hardly registered. His marks in class remained as perfect as ever but outside the classrooms he retreated into himself so much that if a professor spoke to him in the corridor he either jerked or failed to realise that he was being spoken to because it had become such a foreign concept.

It was at Christmas that Sirius reached breaking point.

***

He had spent holidays in the castle before, but that was when he was desperately avoiding his family and the Potter's were on a business trip which meant he and James had to remain at the school. Now he watched as Remus, James and Peter all headed home for the holidays and he was faced with the stark realisation that he was remaining behind because he, to put it simply, had no where else to go. He could, he supposed, of written to Andy but she was newly married to Ted Tonks and he highly doubted she wanted the intrusion of her stupid little cousin during their first Christmas together.

He wandered the corridors to pass the time, to get away from the decorations that were a reminder of everything he didn't have anymore. He didn't run into any teachers and that just reinforced how alone he was. Only a handful of people remained in the castle and Gryffindor tower was completely empty save for him.

Everyone else had a family.

Everyone else had a home.

Christmas eve was the night he decided that enough was enough. Lying in bed alone save for Mercury, his faithful owl, he stared out into the night sky, finding his star in the sky before sitting up slightly, leaning against his head bored and lifting the bottle of the finest whiskey to his chapped lips. Closing his eyes a fraction he allowed the liquid to burn a pathway down his throat, savouring the after taste as he picked up the small card board box he had stolen from Mooney's bedside cabinet.

Muggle painkillers.

Sometimes, after really bad full moon, Remus took muggle medicine to help the potions counter the aching cuts and thumping head aches he was plagued with. Sirius sat and while sipping at his whiskey, methodically popped all sixteen white capsules form their foil prisons and lay them out in a straight line in front of him.

His life flashed before him in short slips like out of a muggle movie as he lifted one to his mouth,

_He was four years old dressed up in stuffy robes, forced to dance with the Rosier girl at a party of his mother's. She was a whole six years old and stood on his feet every time they turned . She didn't like that he had an extra two generations of pure blood. She was jealous and told him as much while glaring at him the whole time and unnerving the young boy. Later his mother told him he had done well to get into that family's circle and he would do well to stay around girls like Vanessa Rosier. It was then that Sirius decided he didn't like the people the Black family "socialised" with._

He swallowed and quickly lifted another pill to his lips.

_He was seven, standing at the window of his childhood home which overlooked a muggle park, watching the children play. Some days later he summoned the courage to ask his mother if he and his brother could go and play with them on the swings because they looked like fun. That was the day his hatred of muggle discrimination was born as the word crucio!, buzzed in his head while his bones burned from within._

Tears pricked his eyes while he through the bottle back, lifting another pill from the red sheets.

_He was nine and in Diagon Alley. His mother dragged he and his brother from shop to shop, her nails digging painfully into his hands as she barked at all who were in her way. People shied away from them and children hid behind their mothers as they stalked past. They were herded into a shop and Sirius stumbled as his mother came to a sudden halt. Sirius was forced onto a stool to be measured for dress robes for the Christmas dance at the Malfoy's. A boy with messy jet black and glasses was dragged into the store by his mother a few minutes later and forced up onto a stool beside the Black heir. He asked Sirius his name but a glare from his mother kept the boy quiet even though the boy sounded nice and Sirius wondered if they could have been friends. _

_It was after they left that Sirius learned what the word "blood traitor" meant. _

The tears cascaded down his face as he downed more pills, more alcohol and his mind was assaulted by more memories.

_He was eleven and finally on the train to Hogwarts. He was alone when three boys stumbled into his compartment, arms full of chocolate and laughing allt the way . They rambled about no where else having room for the three of them and Sirius quickly offered them all a seat. They hopped down gratefully and introduced themselves, James, Remus and Peter. Sirius had smiled and on that day learned what it meant to have friends. _

His stomach clenched painfully at the volume of liquid that was forced upon it but Sirius, in his painful reminiscing disregarded it and threw another two pills into his mouth, forcing them down and squeezing his eyes shut, rocking as his mind was ambushed by more images from the past.

_He was thirteen and in detention for cursing Malfoy who was three years above him. He scrubbed at the table in the transfiguration classroom violently while remembering the snappy letter he had received from his mother following the incident._

_She cared not that he had finally mastered the flesh cutting curse she had been trying to teach him since childhood, only that he had attacked a pureblood in defence of a muggleborn._

His vision blurred as he picked up a couple of more pills, his ears picking up the sounds of Mercury's screeches as if the black owl was trying to stop him, to warn him of what his own stupidity was doing. He ignored the bird and instead drank more, letting the liquid burn and falling back onto his plump pillows.

_He was fifteen and Andy had just ran away from her home. Her mother came to Sirius's house to rant at her brother to do something about it, to control his family. From his room Sirius could hear Orion's rage at the idea of another muggle loving black and his mother's screeches about the line having to remain pure. Toujours pur._

_With dread Sirius followed his brother to the living room where Orion had gathered the Black family around the tapestry and ranted for what felt like hours before blasted his favourite cousin from the family tree. The adults had cheered and even Bella had clapped her appreciation which was madness to Sirius as it was her own sister that was blown away. His father then turned his wand from the wall and assaulted the teenage Blacks with the torture curse to make sure they never thought of copying Andy's treacherous example._

_That was when Sirius realised he had to escape that madness._

Almost a half hour after he had started his binge, Sirius was blurry eyed and could hardly see the pills as he continued to relentlessly take them, the pain in his heart overwhelming the alarms that were trying to tell him that what he was doing was wrong.

_He was sixteen and minding his own business in his room when he was dragged down the stairs by his mother who grinned psychotically the whole way. She nearly threw him into a kitchen chair and he could only sit in disbelief as she ranted on about how finally a witch was willing to have him after his disastrous school sorting. She spoke of him having hopes yet. A French pureblood family willing to look past his discretions in exchange for proving the heir to the prestigious Black family. The wedding contract lay on the table between them._

_That was the day Sirius ran, vowing never to return._

Hardly able to open his eyes, Sirius swallowed the last of the painkillers and finished the bottle. His eyes then fluttered shut and the bottle fell to the floor with a thud as he fell into blissful unconsciousness.

***

Bright light.

That was his first thought, swiftly followed by, I survived.

How?

He was sure he would of succeeded in his attempts to end his life but obviously he had failed at that just like he failed at everything else in life.

He held back a sigh and opened his eyes, coming face to face with something that he did not expect in his wildest dreams.

James.

Peter.

Remus.

Sitting in chairs heads on his bed, mouths half open, arms all over the place. He was about to speak out, to move, to _do_ something when Madam Pomfrey appeared from nowhere and began checking his temperature.

"You are awake I see! About time. You have no idea how worried we have been. Almost a week you have been out of it! Missed new year, the start of the term. Driving us all mad Mr Black. Your head of house has been in every evening to check on you. And these three? Hardly left your side since they realised you were here.", her tirade only ended when she ran out of breath and Sirius could only sit and stare.

Her gaze softened as she saw his eyelids dropping again.

"Rest child. When you wake properly, we can discuss from what happened."

Sirius felt his eyes widen but quickly forgot about his ex friends presence and what he was worried about as he fell into darkness once more.

***

The second time he woke up the room was in darkness and he was completely alone. He pulled himself up into a sitting position and peered out into the hospital wing. The movement made his bed creek loudly and he flinched at the volume and stilled his movement but it was too late.

"Awake again Mr Black. Wonderful."

"I…I…yes. I'm awake."

She made tutting noises and once again began checking his temperature and inspecting his vital signs before adjusting his covers and making sure he was comfortable.

He noted her night clothes and the purple dressing gown, the greyish hair that was hanging down to her shoulder and not encased in it's usual bun. Guilt pooled in his stomach at the thought that he had woken her up and attacked his still fragile mind.

Just as he was about to insist she return to bed she turned on a lamp and eased herself into a chair by his bedside, disregarding the fact that it was almost half past twelve completely.

"Mr Black, Sirius, I…you…I need to ask…why you would wish to attempt to take your own life?"

She seemed to struggle with the question, just as Sirius was about to struggle with the answer. The idea that she saved him, the idea that someone truly cared enough to bring him back was not something that the young man could easily comprehend after so many years as a Black heir. Not even the love of his friends or the kindness of Mrs Potter had broken down his barriers before now.

Could he really explain what had forced him to such drastic actions? Was there a proper way to describe the mental trauma he had inflicted and suffered? Would she hate him for it?

Part of him was crying out for her support.

Part of him felt that he didn't deserve such kindness.

He unstuck his tongue from the roof of his mouth and began to answer the strained looking woman.

"I…I…made such a mistake Madame, such a terrible mistake and….I…lost everyone…everything.", he said, his voice trailing to an almost inaudible whisper.

The woman in front of him leant forward as if to embrace him before pulling back. To her it was a case of remaining professional but to him it was a case of someone else rejecting him.

He shrunk back into his covers and was overwhelmed by an urge to take everything he had just said back before he did any more damage.

"Sirius…why didn't you tell anyone?"

That wasn't something he had been expecting so rather than reply he just sat watching her. Why would he of told anyone? That would have been a sign of weakness and if Sirius had taken one of the Black family lesson's on board it was that he was not supposed to show any outward sign of hurt or weakness.

"I couldn't. I didn't deserve to."

Could she not understand?

"But child this isn't some prank! This was your life! You could of died! You nearly did? Does this mean nothing to you?"

Of course they didn't ,he thought blankly, they are only words. They don't mean anything. They never have and they never will and that's just the way it is.

He realised that saying such things would probably get him a one way ticket to a St Mungo's insanity ward, so he wisely kept his mouth shut.

The matron continued to look him over as if staring hard enough would provide her the answers she so desired.

Eventually she blinked and sighed once more before shaking her head and rising to her feet.

"I am sorry Mr Black but until I deem that you are able to return to normal castle life you must remain in my care. I cannot allow you to be in your dormitory if another incident such as this may occur. Your head of house will see you soon, in the morning perhaps. Goodnight Mr Black.", and with a swish of her fluffy purple gown she was gone and Sirius was left alone once more.

***

The third time Sirius woke up it was to find that he was once again not alone.

James was perched on the edge of his bed, folded up on himself, balancing his potions essay on his knees as he scribbled away furiously. The tortured young man could hardly believe what he was seeing and blinked several times before excepting that James was really there.

He didn't trust himself to speak and continued to stare at the Potter family heir until his quill came to a halt. Slowly hazel eyes rose to meet grey and for a second Sirius stopped breathing.

James tilted his head slightly and seemed to observe him for a moment before looking back to his essay and scribbling a final sentence. Sirius stared in disbelief as the messy haired young man rolled up his scroll and tied an elastic band around it before throwing it into his school bag which sat on the floor and closing his ink bottle. That too was thrown in the bag before he adjusted his position and looked back at Sirius.

"Sirius.", was all he said.

"James.", he whispered in reply.

James looked at the ground for a second and seemed to struggle for words. His eyes were shining when he finally looked up and Sirius had to swallow a lump in his throat.

"Why Siri? Why would you _think _that that was the answer? You have so much to live for!"

He was near pleading with Sirius to understand but to him it was all just words. It hardly registered anymore.

"What?"

James looked confused.

"What?"

"What do I have to live for? Nothing anymore James.", he stated, sipping at some water and replying quite calmly, to James's horror.

"Nothing? Mate, you're sixteen years old! You have your whole life ahead of you!"

"What life James?!", Sirius croaked, finally snapping back. " I have no inheritance, no purpose, I threw that all away because I couldn't be part of it. I lost my friends because of my own stupidity. I am completely alone in this life. I just want it to end! I want the pain to go away. I want my heart to stop aching and then I had a way and I took it! I took it but as I'm such a freaking failure in life, I couldn't even do that right!"

Finally he let it all out and the barriers came crashing down, swiftly followed by a torrent of tears. He put his head in his hands and pulled his knees to his chest, his body wracking with sobs.

For his part, James quickly moved forward and pulled the broken boy into his arms, rubbing his hands down his back and trying to soothe him as his mother had done when he was a child.

Unused to such affections Sirius flinched at the contact but was too wrapped up in his own pain to do anything about it. It took him a while to realise that he was not the only one crying. His ears picked up the sound of James crying into his shoulder and muttering under his breathe, _"I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry." _, like a mantra.

That struck Sirius as a little odd.

Surely it was he who should be apologising?

"Sorry? What for?"

James pulled away, taking his glasses off to wipe away his tears, before offering Sirius a weak smile.

"I caused this. Don't even say I didn't because I know I did. I was the one that pushed you away, pushed you to this. I'm supposed to be the person who knows you best, I should of known what my actions would do to you."

He crumpled into tears once more as Sirius took on board his words.

"James, this is my fault. My responsibility and I'm not going to sit here and let you take the fall for it. No way no how."

"But…god Sirius…we were pissed, we felt betrayed but…we never wanted you dead!"

"Maybe you didn't but I'm sure Remus thought about it."

"NEVER!", came a shriek from the side.

Sirius jerked and turned to the direction to find Remus and Peter shuffling out from behind a bed curtain looking sheepish. Peter kept his eyes locked on the ground as he made his way forward but Remus immediately sought out Sirius's gaze and marched up to him.

"How could you _possibly _think that? After all we have been through. My god Paddy! Never, never ever could I wish _anyone _dead. I was angry at you but we would of made up. I would of come back!"

Tears pricked at Sirius's eyes once more and he trembled as he looked into Mooney's golden gaze,

"Really?"

Remus closed his eyes for a second before nodding and leaning forward to embrace his friend. James took a hold of Sirius from the other side and an extra weight landing on the bed signalled Peter's arrival.

After that day things in Hogwarts returned to as close as normal as they could get. Sirius fell back into his old roll perfectly as the womaniser, the top student, the bad boy. The teachers kept an extra eye on him of course but all in all his life was just as it had been before the prank.

Snape tried to interfere, to taunt him but was quickly shooed away by James, Peter and Remus. No ill feeling was felt about the whole incident. The group was unanimous in it's belief that Sirius had suffered enough and there was really no need to put him through any more pain.

Though time passed, the incident would forever leave it's mark on Sirius because although they said they had accepted it, although they said they forgave him for it, for a sixteen year old pureblood, words were never enough.


End file.
